Virtual Date Purgatory: A Play

(Emmie turns on the open online meeting and we see her. She begins by addressing the screen.  During the opening portion she is getting herself ready. Talking while applying makeup.  She is talking to her viewers.)

 

EMMIE

 

(Taking out her makeup while talking.)

 

Hi everybody!  I’m Emmie St. Louis, and welcome to my vlog!  On my vlog show, I talk about everything from cheesy horror flicks to cheap whisky.  But I thought I’d get a little personal with  you all today—like I usually do at least once a year—and one time a year definitely in this particular way!  But more on that in a few.  It has been one crazy year. Right?  I mean the Australia fires? The California fires? The Pandemic?  RBG dying?  Just so bad…

 

So as many of you know—cuz I’ve complained about it before--I hate dating.  Like really hate dating.  So much hatred of dating. It’s like auditioning for a role you aren’t even sure you want! Well, no. Check that--actually, it’s more like auditioning for a role you’re pretty sure you don’t want but you need to get yourself out there and be “seen” so you can stay “relevant”.  And let’s face it--it’s great material for you guys watching the vlog!

 

(still putting on her makeup.)

 

So with that in mind, you all know how I try to go on at least one date a year?  For any newbies out there, every year I try to make a special vlog episode named This Year’s Dating Horror.  But you know, I was thinking, hey—I’ve got a ready made excuse to skip the whole thing for 2020! it’s so crazy right now with COVID and social distancing and practically nothing is open. So I figured that this year I could just blow it off.  Do a vlog eppie about dealing with how tiring working from home is instead!  Accentuating the crazy, and maybe even tell you some great recipes for funky margaritas that you can make for drinking games while watching new episodes of Cobra Kai!

 

But then I started thinking that maybe COVID dating could be ideal!  Like I wouldn’t even have to give the commitment level of that 7 minute speed dating thing—I could literally just have a virtual date!  I don’t have to worry about the guy complaining about the cost of movie tickets, or deciding that because I make more money than he does that I should pay the bill EVEN THOUGH HE IS THE ONE THAT ASKED ME OUT. But I totally digress…

 

Suffice it to say, I figured maybe I could get off easy this year and just have a Zoom date. So, anyway, I was at the grocery store climbing the shelf to reach the only kitty litter my little Sophie likes. It just happened to be on the very top shelf and pushed all the way to the back—I couldn’t even plan this. And anyway, Patrick took this as an attempt on my part to get his attention, and I figured “why the hell not”?

 

So our date starts in three minutes now, and I’m just putting on the finishing touches to get ready. I figured with this platform’s  capabilities, I could even record the date so you guys can witness it later!  So you know, as always, respond in the comments, hit me up on Twitter or Insta, and I’m working on keeping my TikTok up, too!

 

Oh, hey! he’s in the queue…let’s do this!

 

​​(Jeremy enters)

 

Hey! 

 

JEREMY

 

Hey!

 

EMMIE

 

OMG, so this is cool, right?

 

JEREMY

 

Yeah!  Totally.

 

EMMIE

 

I mean, not having to go out and possibly get lost—enter a bar all alone?  But hey, no bars right now—so this is like a totally stress-free form of dating!

 

JEREMY

 

Yeah.

 

EMMIE

 

And I’m totally excited.  It was so heroic, the way you just rushed to my rescue when I couldn’t reach the litter.  It could have killed me if it fell on my head!

 

JEREMY

 

Oh, it was nothing, I just love to show how I can be that guy who is there, you know?

 

EMMIE

 

Uh huh.   Well, that’s important…

 

JEREMY

 

Yeah! And I was watching you for a couple rows, making sure you didn’t trip in any puddles, have to reach any other tall objects.

 

EMMIE

 

Ri-ight.  So, um, when did you actually get off work?  Did you have enough time to get ready?  You look good!

JEREMY

 

​​(He is forgetting something.)

 

Oh yeah, hey thanks! And I guess…um…well…

 

EMMIE

 

​​(she sounds a bit exasperated)

 

What?

 

JEREMY

 

​​(whispering)

 

I forgot my line.

 

EMMIE

 

What was that, PATRICK?  You got out of work late this evening?

 

JEREMY

 

Oh, shit.  Sorry.

 

EMMIE

 

What the hell, Jeremy?  If they can see you, they can hear you!

 

JEREMY

 

Oh.  Sorry.

 

EMMIE

 

You are so shitty at this.  I mean really?  How hard is it for you to fake a date?

 

JEREMY

 

Well, I mean it’s like this is a new thing and—

 

EMMIE

 

Just what the ever loving hell!  TAYLOR!!

 

​​(a third person enters)

TAYLOR

 

Ok, guys.  Yes, just hold it.  We need to back it up and get back on track.

 

EMMIE

 

Who the hell is this guy, Taylor?  You promised me quality talent.

 

TAYLOR

 

Well…You get what you pay for…

EMMIE

I’m really not! I paid you guys far more than you’d be getting anywhere else right now—oh, that’s right!  Social distancing has closed down like ALL STAGE WORK.

TAYLOR

Exactly the problem.  You paid for stage—people who have no idea about film.

EMMIE

I wanted film actors—or at least an influencer who knows how to use online platforms.

TAYLOR

You are putting this online. Influencers are known. You couldn’t go with a known.

EMMIE

We couldn’t go for someone who could at least learn their lines?

JEREMY

You’ve given me five rewrites!

EMMIE

I WANTED IT TO BE PERFECT.

JEREMY

BUT I NEED TIME WITH THE CHANGES.

EMMIE

Soap Opera actors get their lines like the same day.  YOU AREN’T EVEN A SOAP OPERA LEVEL ACTOR.

TAYLOR

​​(sounding very stressed)

OK, look we need to get back on track.

EMMIE

You have like no skills at this.  I’m trying to up my game and you guys are just breaking my vibe.

​​(a fourth person enters in)

DIRECTOR

CUT. Now, let’s get back to what the action of this scene is. Taylor, you are the young director who is overseeing the scene between Emmie, the vlogger attempting to have a virtual date and Patrick, the grocery clerk she’s going on the date with.

JEREMY

I wanted to ask you about that.  I mean, it doesn’t really make sense, you know? My character, why would he be asking out some cat lady he met at the grocery store?

EMMIE

CAT LADY?

JEREMY

You own cats, so cat lady.

EMMIE

I OWN CAT. ONE.  And this is my dating horror.  Mine! Some guy hounding me at the grocery store while I’m peacefully minding my own business!

TAYLOR

I’m totally in agreement, I mean you are writing your date.  But why does it have to be a dating horror? Why can’t it be a fantasy—a perfect date?

EMMIE

BECAUSE I’M NOT WRITING FOR PENTHOUSE FORUMS, TAYLOR.

 

TAYLOR

I’m not suggesting porn. It wouldn’t get past the content censors anyway—I mean, why don’t you meet the young lawyer of your dreams when you both reach for the same bag of croissants in the bakery section of the grocery store?

EMMIE

Ew.  Lawyer?  Really?  That’s my ideal?

TAYLOR

A civil rights lawyer?

EMMIE

No lawyers!  Nada. I know too many lawyers.  Ixnay on the awyerslay.

TAYLOR

An emergency room physician then, you could both point to the same lobster in the ta—

EMMIE

I’m a vegetarian!!!

JEREMY

How do you get your protein?

EMMIE

It’s really not that hard you just—

DIRECTOR

My god.  NO MORE REWRITES.  Just deal with what w. Emmie is at the grocery store.  One of the only places she is going to meet new people during the current pandemic. So moving forward, I want--

EMMIE

But I’m actually really liking Taylor’s idea. I mean studies have shown adversity gets more views, but maybe we could change the script so that it--.

DIRECTOR

No! The script stay as it is.

EMMIE

But I just think that—

 

JEREMY

Are we going to wrap this up soon?  I have an actual date to go on in an hour.

TAYLOR

And I have an actual job. Because this isn’t paying shit.

DIRECTOR

You’ve signed contracts. Both of you are stuck here for the night.  Get over it.

EMMIE

Ha ha!

DIRECTOR

And you need to get in the game.  No more rewrites.

EMMIE

Fine.  

JEREMY

But while we’re on rewrites, what is going on here anyway? I mean I thought it was a script for a virtual date.

EMMIE

Have you read any one of the five versions of the script?

JEREMY

They’re just not easy to follow.

TAYLOR

That is a concern.  I mean what is my role?

DIRECTOR

We already went over this. You are the director of the fake virtual date between Emmie and Patrick.

TAYLOR

Then who are you?

DIRECTOR

Really?  Do you think that the director of a play is actually called “Director” in the script? I am the director who is directing a play about a play about a fake virtual date.

JEREMY

Oh, that just clears up everything.  Why did my agent get me involved in this?

TAYLOR

Wait. You have an agent?  You’re equity?

JEREMY

So not what it’s cracked up to be, apparently.  Because I’m HERE.

EMMIE

What’s wrong with HERE?  You are getting paid!

JEREMY

This play is nuts!  You’ve made it all avant garde, absurdist craziness.

EMMIE

What is wrong with that?  It worked for Samuel Beckett!

JEREMY

You are no Samuel Beckett.

TAYLOR

Well, actually, this is more in the style of Thornton Wilder.

JEREMY

She’s no Thornton Wilder, either.

EMMIE

You two literally have jobs because of—

DIRECTOR

Alright.  Back to the beginning and start again.

JEREMY

All the way from the beginning? Or from my entrance?

DIRECTOR

All the way from the top of the show.

 

JEREMY

So I have to wait through Emmie’s boring three minute monologue again before I’m even on?  I’m taking a nap.

TAYLOR

Yeah, can’t we at least just take it from Patrick’s entrance?

DIRECTOR

THE TOP OF THE SHOW.  Places!

 

THE END