Perseus and Medi...Virtually by Nicole Murray

                                              

 

 

ACT I

Scene 1

 

SETTING:​The first screen will turn on and we will see what looks like a hallwayentranceway. PERSEUS, dressed with a pizza man hat on, is looking nervously at something right below the screen.  What we are looking through is a call box—with a camera so residents can see callers and vice versa.  PERSEUS has to call in to who he wants to let him in, but it is clear he does not want to be looking into the camera.  The second screen opens and we see MEDI inside her apartment at her end of the call box.

MEDI

Thank the gods! My pizza! I was afraid you--

PERSEUS

(looks directly at her and starts screaming as if he is in pain—then realizes that he isn’t as he says:)

AAARRGH!  AAARGH!! AAAA- huh?

MEDI

Ok, that was just weird. Like I was saying, I didn’t think you were going to make the 30 minute timelimit, but here you are and--Wait--Where is my pizza? 

PERSEUS​

I’m, um, well…sorry—this is embarrassing--I must have the wrong apartment. I was expecting, someone else.

MEDI

No, I ordered the pizza. From Joe’s. Aren’t you the pizza guy from Joe’s?

PERSEUS

Yeah, no. 

MEDI

You’re dressed like the pizza guy from Joe’s.

PERSEUS

See this is the embarrassing part—I actually just beat up the pizza guy from Joe’s…

MEDI

Uh, huh…

PERSEUS

…and stole his uniform as a disguise to, um, let me in. 

MEDI

Why didn’t you just ask the pizza guy to let you in?

PERSEUS

Well, I—shit. Why didn’t I?

MEDI

I just asked that…

PERSEUS

Well, my mind was on other things—like just how I was going to kill--

MEDI

Wait, what? You’re going to what?

PERSEUS

Oh, it’s nothing really.  I just made this promise…

MEDI

A promise to beat up a pizza guy and break into an apartment complex?

PERSEUS

Well, no…it’s complicated…but I needed a disguise to get in here.

MEDI

A disguise? Why didn’t you at least bring my pizza?  You know, to complete the disguise?

PERSEUS

Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have been able to carry my mirror…which I would need if you were the right person.

MEDI

A mirror…  Vain are we?

PERSEUS

No! I just needed the mirror to check to make sure that—

MEDI

To check what?

PERSEUS

You know, I kinda feel weird discussing this at the door, can I come in?

MEDI

I don’t know.  I’m not sure if I should trust you in my apartment.  

PERSEUS

What, no!  I’m not dangerous…

MEDI

You jumped my pizza guy.

PERSEUS

Well, yeah, but…

MEDI

And then you stole his clothes and kinda, sorta pretended to be him...

PERSEUS

​(conspiratorially.) 

Yes, and that’s what I wanted to talk to you about in your apartment. There might be people listening in.

MEDI

People? 

PERSEUS

SHE might be listening in.

MEDI

Who is SHE?

PERSEUS

SHE.

MEDI

(Skeptically.)

Huh?

PERSEUS

O.K., O.K., I’ll tell you—but it might be dangerous for you to know.

MEDI

Is this the part where you get all macho and protective?  Cuz I thought that ended with Gen X guys…

PERSEUS

No, you really could be in danger.

MEDI

And you’re going to protect me.

PERSEUS

Yes!

MEDI

My hero. Come to save me from some unknown threat.  While I’m safely alone in my apartment?

PERSEUS

You may not be though! I’m here to slay a monster.

MEDI

A monster?  Here? In my apartment?

PERSEUS

Well, maybe not HERE in your apartment, but somewhere here in this building.

MEDI

And slay—when you say slay, do you mean like millennial “oh you slay” or do you mean slay as in “slay”?

PERSEUS

How are you defining “millennial”? Because I'm not a kid, that’s Gen Z.

MEDI

Born between 1981 and 1996. Avocado toast? Crippling college debt? Uber? Millennial.

PERSEUS

O.K., we’re on the same page, but no…the other slay.

MEDI

Kill slay?

PERSEUS

Yeah, kill slay.

MEDI

Wow, you are violent, aren’t you?

PERSEUS

What?

MEDI

You beat up my pizza guy, now you’ve come to “slay a monster” (air quotes). Although I have no idea what, or whom, you could be talking about. My neighbors are nice people.

PERSEUS

I guess if you put it that way…but this one is not nice people.

MEDI

How would I recognize her?

PERSEUS

You couldn’t miss her actually—well, you probably would WANT to miss her…but maybe women can’t gaze on her either….

MEDI

So…reclusive?

PERSEUS

She probably keeps to herself.

MEDI

That would be a yes…but what is this about gazing?

PERSEUS

No one can look at her directly.

MEDI

No?  why not? Is she that ugly?

PERSEUS

No--Well, I don’t actually know…looking directly at her means turning to stone.  That’s what I was told.

MEDI

Is that why the mirror? I thought maybe you just read that wizard school series waaaay too many times.

PERSEUS

(Embarrassed grunt. Takes off his hat.)  

MEDI

What?

PERSEUS

Well…

MEDI

What?

PERSEUS

I haven’t READ the series.  

MEDI

You haven’t read the series?

PERSEUS

I’ve seen the movies though! I know, I’m a bad Millennial not reading the books about really our spokesperson.

MEDI

Well, he kinda is…but not really.

PERSEUS

What do you mean?  Harry Potter is not just a Millennial, he’s THE Millennial.

MEDI

Nope.  Born in 1980. Gen X.

PERSEUS

But the actors…

MEDI

Are your age, but the timeline wasn’t adjusted.

PERSEUS

Oh, but what about—

MEDI

So yes, let’s go back to apparently your version of Netflix and Chill—Mirror and Slay.

PERSEUS

I was pretty proud of myself—coming up with the mirror thing. I mean you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull something over on-- 

(MEDI adjusts a little statue on the counter 

near her and PERSEUS notices that it is a 

statue of Medusa.)

--wait a minute…what did you say your name was?

MEDI

I didn’t. But my name is Medi.

PERSEUS

Medi.

MEDI

Yes.  Medi.

PERSEUS

It’s a cute name…say, is it short for something?

MEDI

Short for something?

PERSEUS

Yeah, like is it a nickname or something?

MEDI

A nickname?  You mean like a nickname for, say—Medusa?

PERSEUS

Yes, exactly that, actually.

MEDI

Yes.  Actually. It is.

PERSEUS

You’re her!

MEDI

So it would seem…

PERSEUS

But you’re—you’re supposed to be ugly!

MEDI

Wait-you just said you didn’t really know whether the “monster” was ugly or not.

PERSEUS

But I knew she was a monster—a certain amount of ugliness comes with that!  But you are gorgeous!

MEDI

Thanks, well, you know how it is.  You tick off the wrong person and then when they’re talking about you they say something like “She’s not even pretty” and that is how it all starts.  The rumors of my unattractiveness are highly exaggerated.

PERSEUS

But you ARE a Gorgon?

MEDI

Yes. I come from Gorgonia.  So—Gorgon.

PERSEUS

Shouldn’t someone from Gorgonia be called a “Gorgonian”?

MEDI

Why are people from New England called New Englanders and not “New English”?  It’s just one of those things.

PERSEUS

You’re supposed to have snakes for hair.

MEDI

(Sighs.)

You wear your hair in dreadlocks ONCE and no one lets you forget it.  IT WAS THE 90’s! It wasn’t considered “cultural appropriation” then, it was “cultural experimentation” or maybe even “cultural appreciation”.

PERSEUS

So it was all a lie then? People don’t turn to stone when they look at you?

MEDI

Well…

(Glancing down to see if she can catch his pants in the screen. Laughs)  

That part is true.

PERSEUS

Oh my god.

MEDI

I am Viagra personified.

PERSEUS

No way!  That’s what it means??? I thought that I'd become some big old chunk of granite.

MEDI

Sorry to disappoint.  But who in all of Tartaros are you supposed to be, anyway?

PERSEUS

I’m, uh, Perseus…

MEDI

You’re Perseus? Really?

PERSEUS

Yeah…

MEDI

You?

PERSEUS

Yeah.  What of it?

MEDI

Well, you’re not what I expected either. Since were being honest.

PERSEUS

What do you mean?

MEDI

I guess I expected someone more—Harry Hamlin. 

PERSEUS

Who’s that?

MEDI

Hot actor guy—well, like fifty years ago he was anyway—hot, I mean…he had one of those strong chins and lots of muscles…starred in Clash of the Titans.  You know, all Hollywood hunk hero like.

PERSEUS

And I’m not?  I’m pretty hot.  I’m a hunk.

MEDI

You’re cute.  But have you ever even seen the inside of a gym?

PERSEUS

I took gym all through school! Got good grades, too.

MEDI

Walking and volleyball electives?

PERSEUS

Well, yeah…what of it?

MEDI

Nothing…suffice it to say, you’re not very chiseled.

PERSEUS

It’s a loose-fitting t-shirt!

MEDI

Huh.

PERSEUS

I’ve just been really busy lately—I haven’t had time to create a torso workout routine!

MEDI

…and you kinda have skinny legs…

PERSEUS

What?  What’s wrong with my legs?  

MEDI

…they’re hella skinny…almost chicken legs…

PERSEUS

Hey—The camera distorts stuff! And I didn’t insult you!  I mean I was pleasantly surprised to find out you weren’t some ugly old bat with snakes for hair.

MEDI

Hey now, hold up.  I was sorta complimenting you—at least as far as the legs go. I can’t even tell you what I would give to have thinner thighs and calves.  Even just not having my thighs rub together would be nice.

PERSEUS

You’re not fat though.

MEDI

No, but the thighs, they chafe. Enough about that. Now that we have gotten all that cleared up we--

PERSEUS

But no, we haven’t-- what about the curse? Wasn't there some curse Theni put on you that—

MEDI

Curse, Rumor.  Same difference. Rumors are very much like curses.  

PERSEUS

But Theni never says anything bad about anyone…

(MEDI gives him a look.)

…not since she stopped with the human sacrifices, anyway.

MEDI

O.K., I’ll give you that. She thought she was protecting me—keeping away potential rapists. Because you know, once the—you know—then there is the “need” to—you know. But all it did was ruin my sex life.

PERSEUS

Really?

MEDI

Oh yeah.

PERSEUS

Like it’s been a while?

MEDI

Oh yeah.

PERSEUS

Like a long while?

MEDI

Yeah…

PERSEUS

How long?

MEDI

A while.

PERSEUS

But how long a while?

MEDI

A long while.

PERSEUS

How long is a long while?

MEDI

Take however long you can imagine it, and then make it even longer.

PERSEUS

So…a week?

MEDI

You’re kidding right?

PERSEUS

Longer than that? A month?

MEDI

It’s like we aren’t even communicating here.  

PERSEUS

Oh my gods, longer than that?

MEDI

Yes.

PERSEUS

A lot longer than that?

MEDI

YES.

PERSEUS

Like crazy longer? Like two months?

MEDI

This is nuts.  YES longer than even that. Hella longer than that. Total Perspective Vortex with the you are here dot representing the two months you have proffered longer than that.

PERSEUS

So three months then?

MEDI

YEARS, O.K.?  IT HAS BEEN YEARS.

PERSEUS

(Mind blown. He is speechless.)

MEDI

Say something.

PERSEUS

(Still unable to speak.)

MEDI

SAY SOMETHING. Or at least shake your head so I know you’re still alive.

PERSEUS

I.Just.Can’t.

MEDI

That. That right there?  Not helpful.

PERSEUS

(Getting his wits back.)

You know, I could BE helpful.

MEDI

Wha-at?

PERSEUS

I could help you with that…problem.  We could, you know…

MEDI

Really right now?  You came here to “slay” me and now you want to have sex.

PERSEUS

Well, yeah.

MEDI

I can’t believe this is my life right now.

PERSEUS

Sure I came here to kill you, but if everything I knew about you was wrong, maybe the promise I made to slay you was really about sex and not about cutting off your head.

MEDI

A-hah.

PERSEUS

The other slay…

MEDI

Huh…

PERSEUS

So maybe we should take this as a sign…

MEDI

I see.

PERSEUS

So, you know, this could be fun.

MEDI

How do I know I can trust you?  You might try something—else…

(with a neck slicing gesture)

PERSEUS

Nah, you can trust me…

MEDI

(Considers. Then starts to get flirty.)

Let me slip into something more comfortable. I'll be no right back.

(MEDI leaves the connection open and goes out of camera range giving an almost seductive look back onto the couch and then goes into the bedroom.  PERSEUS is straightening himself up, checking his breath.)  

PERSEUS

This is so great really, how we were able to change the course of history just through talking, connecting and—

MEDI

(Off stage)

And me being more attractive than you expected, that helped too. So maybe there is a lesson here…

(MEDI enters, only now she is wearing a robe 

and we see snakes in her hair.  PERSEUS

looks over at her and freezes. He is stone.)

MEDI

(Sighs.)

Just not the lesson you thought…

(MEDI picks up the phone and dials.)

Hi, Medi Kallos again over at Ambrosia Place 7A, I ordered a pizza an hour ago and the pizza boy still hasn’t gotten here…No…No call, nothing…Really? Great.  And this will be free right? Perfect.

Just enough time to clean up the mess…

​​​​​​​​​

 

THE END