A Simple Kind of Life
For a long time, I was in love. not only in love, I was obsessed...
A little known fact about me. A few years ago I took this online quiz to find out which movie star I was. Of course I would get the one in the bunch who I had never heard of --Rachel McAdams. I looked her up on imdb and realized why I didn't know her. I didn't watch her kind of movies. But apparently she is the girl that has been passed over many times for roles I did know about. She is also the girl that Josh Lucas broke up with via text.
Why yes, movie quiz guy! That is a valid hollywoodized version of my life!
But texting became more prevalent with the smartphones. Prior to that, when I got the brush off, it was via email.
The funny thing is, the other week was amazingly awesome. I found out I was getting a raise, Jensen signed on for ChiCon 2012, and I got beaucoup Banana Republic 50% off coupons. Apparently the last two days are again restoring balance. In other words, they are truly sucking ass.
Fourteen years ago I was crazy obsessed with someone and I was so petrified of losing him as a friend, I pretty much tanked everything. In true Carrie/Mr. Big fashion, I would get mad at him for not reacting to things the way I fantasized he would. I can be honest now and admit he never could have lived up to my expections for us. I remember our final phone fight, and how I spent the next day pouring out my feelings, explaining everything, blah de blah blah to him via email. And not sending it. I left it in my draft box. The kicker? I thought I had sent it. But no. He however, DID send out an email. which told me he never wanted to speak with me in any form again. I cried. for days. I have never cried so hard for anyone since. The kick in the pants to me was that we never really had a relationship. we hung out. we went to one semi formal. but that was it.
I saw him one time after at the mall. He walked by me like I didn't exist. I can be honest and say that I stayed out in the Boston area hoping that things would work out between us, but after realizing that was clearly not happening, I eventually went back home to go back to school. I dropped all my friends. I was a sorority sister, I knew people from Concert Choir and Drama Club. I dropped everyone. I couldn't face them. Every time I saw someone from college they would ask me how he was, meaning to be polite, knowing that when he was thrown off campus I was the only person on campus he would talk to. I wasn't strong enough to tell them I didn't want to talk about him again. Because I did. I knew that if I was around them, I would be hoping to get some little tidbit about how he was. I needed to extricate myself entirely from the situation. It wasn't right. I lost all of my college friends. But I couldn't think of any other way. I actually did check to see if he had a facebook account. he does. he apparently has a live in girlfriend now and a baby. And a couple of days ago, Facebook kept throwing his pic up in the recommendations of possible people I know section, asking if I would like to "friend" him.
The next guy that cut off all ties via email was someone that--well, if you have seen the short lived series Friends With Benefits, the episode where Sarah and Ben have to deal with the past toxic relationships where they lose themselves in the relationships and become people they don't even recognize anymore because they are trying to hard to become the person that toxic "other" wants them to be? Yeah, that one. There I was, miss good Catholic girl, finding any possible moment, any possible scenario, when she could get together with this married man. And I joined a wiccan coven because he was running it. Although I had always been interested in wicca, it was more the idea of magic being real that interested me than the idea of the religion. Looking into it, it sounds as potentially patriarchal as pretty much everything else, and one thing I very certainly do NOT believe in is "salad bar" style religion. Anyway, an email was what I received. I found out about three months later from a mutual friend he was getting a divorce. I was devastated. When we went our separate ways, I was convinced he was never going to leave her. Clearly that wasn't the case. Why didn't he want ME? Well after a few years of randomness and him reaching out via facebook we are cool now. Yesterday his facebook status said he was marrying his best friend (a woman...get your mind out of the gutter) in Mexico...
I can't help but think that my crazy turn to crappy mood, focus on my roots and the about four or five grey hairs I have, and obsessing about making sure to dose my hands in petroleum jelly and wear gloves to bed to deep moisturize them has something to do with this. I've been reviewing Supernatural noticing how much Dean needs a win because of his feelings of inadequacy, and I just know that I can see so much of my own inability to figure stuff out in his losses.
well, rant over for now. Just needed to get it out.
A little known fact about me. A few years ago I took this online quiz to find out which movie star I was. Of course I would get the one in the bunch who I had never heard of --Rachel McAdams. I looked her up on imdb and realized why I didn't know her. I didn't watch her kind of movies. But apparently she is the girl that has been passed over many times for roles I did know about. She is also the girl that Josh Lucas broke up with via text.
Why yes, movie quiz guy! That is a valid hollywoodized version of my life!
But texting became more prevalent with the smartphones. Prior to that, when I got the brush off, it was via email.
The funny thing is, the other week was amazingly awesome. I found out I was getting a raise, Jensen signed on for ChiCon 2012, and I got beaucoup Banana Republic 50% off coupons. Apparently the last two days are again restoring balance. In other words, they are truly sucking ass.
Fourteen years ago I was crazy obsessed with someone and I was so petrified of losing him as a friend, I pretty much tanked everything. In true Carrie/Mr. Big fashion, I would get mad at him for not reacting to things the way I fantasized he would. I can be honest now and admit he never could have lived up to my expections for us. I remember our final phone fight, and how I spent the next day pouring out my feelings, explaining everything, blah de blah blah to him via email. And not sending it. I left it in my draft box. The kicker? I thought I had sent it. But no. He however, DID send out an email. which told me he never wanted to speak with me in any form again. I cried. for days. I have never cried so hard for anyone since. The kick in the pants to me was that we never really had a relationship. we hung out. we went to one semi formal. but that was it.
I saw him one time after at the mall. He walked by me like I didn't exist. I can be honest and say that I stayed out in the Boston area hoping that things would work out between us, but after realizing that was clearly not happening, I eventually went back home to go back to school. I dropped all my friends. I was a sorority sister, I knew people from Concert Choir and Drama Club. I dropped everyone. I couldn't face them. Every time I saw someone from college they would ask me how he was, meaning to be polite, knowing that when he was thrown off campus I was the only person on campus he would talk to. I wasn't strong enough to tell them I didn't want to talk about him again. Because I did. I knew that if I was around them, I would be hoping to get some little tidbit about how he was. I needed to extricate myself entirely from the situation. It wasn't right. I lost all of my college friends. But I couldn't think of any other way. I actually did check to see if he had a facebook account. he does. he apparently has a live in girlfriend now and a baby. And a couple of days ago, Facebook kept throwing his pic up in the recommendations of possible people I know section, asking if I would like to "friend" him.
The next guy that cut off all ties via email was someone that--well, if you have seen the short lived series Friends With Benefits, the episode where Sarah and Ben have to deal with the past toxic relationships where they lose themselves in the relationships and become people they don't even recognize anymore because they are trying to hard to become the person that toxic "other" wants them to be? Yeah, that one. There I was, miss good Catholic girl, finding any possible moment, any possible scenario, when she could get together with this married man. And I joined a wiccan coven because he was running it. Although I had always been interested in wicca, it was more the idea of magic being real that interested me than the idea of the religion. Looking into it, it sounds as potentially patriarchal as pretty much everything else, and one thing I very certainly do NOT believe in is "salad bar" style religion. Anyway, an email was what I received. I found out about three months later from a mutual friend he was getting a divorce. I was devastated. When we went our separate ways, I was convinced he was never going to leave her. Clearly that wasn't the case. Why didn't he want ME? Well after a few years of randomness and him reaching out via facebook we are cool now. Yesterday his facebook status said he was marrying his best friend (a woman...get your mind out of the gutter) in Mexico...
I can't help but think that my crazy turn to crappy mood, focus on my roots and the about four or five grey hairs I have, and obsessing about making sure to dose my hands in petroleum jelly and wear gloves to bed to deep moisturize them has something to do with this. I've been reviewing Supernatural noticing how much Dean needs a win because of his feelings of inadequacy, and I just know that I can see so much of my own inability to figure stuff out in his losses.
well, rant over for now. Just needed to get it out.
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